Spy Stuff

I've shared many things about myself on this blog but there's one thing that I think I've neglected to mention. I want to be a spy. Seriously, really, truly I've always wanted to be a spy. I suppose that isn't so unusual, I'm sure a lot of people do. When I was young I read Harriet the Spy by Louise Fitzhugh. I think that's what started my spy fantasies. As I got older it became clear that I probably wasn't going to fulfill that particular ambition. But new hope arose after reading the Mrs. Pollifax mysteries by Dorothy Gilman. Mrs. Pollifax is an older woman who ends up becoming a spy for the CIA. But life takes us down many pathways. Um sorry, I was getting caught up in my rhetoric. Anyway I never have become a spy but yesterday, for the third (and probably final) time, hope once again sprang up.

I attended a Career Fair at Sacramento State as part of my job. There were a lot of organizations present, including the FBI, police depts, etc. The one which interested me was, you guessed it, the CIA. I surreptitiously took one of their pens, a brochure and an unidentified object. Ok, they were giving them out, I really didn't snitch them! This was in the morning and, as you can imagine, quite made my day. I didn't think it could get any better. It does though!

The Career Center sponsoring the fair kindly provided lunch for exhibitors so around noon I decided to have some. I was sitting at a table chatting with some women who were interested in solar cooking and being the exemplary employee I am, I was sharing information with them. Another woman joined us at the table and to my delight, turned out to work for the CIA. As you can imagine, everyone (including me) lost interest in solar cooking and started asking her questions. I asked if there was an upper age limit for joining. You can all see where this is heading I assume. There is but only for certain positions. Then I asked if they ever hired old, out-of-shape, history majors. She kindly said they hired all kinds of people.

Once again, my hopes have been raised. Perhaps it isn't too late. I can follow in the footsteps of Harriet and Mrs. Pollifax. And George Smiley, Kim Philby (yes I am aware he defected), Gabriel Allon, Sir Francis Walsingham, Jason Bourne, Mata Hari. . . well I could go on and on and on. I didn't stop with Harriet the Spy and Mrs. Pollifax. I'm a big fan of spy stories, fiction & non-fiction.

There you have my story. I'm going to start practicing spy techniques. I tried following my cats around tonight but was scratched for my troubles. Guess I'll have to find someone else to spy on. Below you can see pictures of my purloined objects. I'm not sure what the little ovalish-shaped thing is. I'm convinced it's some kind of spy tool though. Once I figure it out I'll let you know.

A few pictures

I'm feeling a little smug. It's 7:35 and I've walked and done my morning pages and straightened up my apt a little. It's supposed to be 97 today. It's 66 out now and feels warm. I feel like this is going to be a very long day.

I like the way this looks.

Sun over garbage cans. Maybe there's some poetry in that?

The sign says there is a peeping tom in the neighborhood. Ah well.

Just some flowers.

There was a house here about a week ago. I thought they were working on it and then they knocked it down!

It's opening up!

My African Violet is opening up - isn't it pretty!

Musical Monday

My daughter used to play this on her guitar. I think it's pretty but I always forget the name & have to ask her. Now that I've posted it I can go back and check my blog when I forget!

Silent Sunday

The view from my patio. I like it!

Bits & Pieces

Just a few thoughts I had today and some pictures.The first five pictures are from my walk this morning. The last is a library I visited today. I'm making slow progress on my list. I'm envisioning myself on December 31st running from library to library to get them all in by the end of the year!

Today I went to the Robbie Waters Pocket-Greenhaven branch. It opened in August and still looks very new! I love the books on the outside - a perfect decoration for a library. They had a nice section of poetry books and I picked up a couple. I also totally embarrassed myself by checking out a silly book called Become Your Own Matchmaker. It's full of advice on how to find and snare a man. I flipped through it and read parts and decided if I had to do all that just to get some guy I'd rather be alone!

I also stopped at Petsmart today to pick up cat litter. They had a bunch of cages full of kittens for adoption. I stopped and talked to all the kittens which is nice but it breaks my heart to see them. There are so many unwanted animals in shelters yet people still don't consistently spay/neuter their animals. Yeah kittens and puppies are cute but unwanted ones who end up euthanized are not so cute. In my not so humble opinion there is no excuse not to spay/neuter. If you can't afford it there are free and low-cost clinics. There are only a handful of issues I feel strongly about but this is one of them. Spay/Neuter. It's important!

Condemned house down the street from me. I'm not sure how you access that top door!

I liked the flowers behind the wire fence.

Some pretty flowers.

I guess it just fell over. I wouldn't think someone would deliberately leave it that way!

I don't know what this is but it's pretty!

The library!

The Moon

I took some pictures of the Moon Wednesday night. They aren't great but they came out ok. The teeny white spot below the Moon is Jupiter. Looking at the Moon relaxes me. I suppose that's an odd thing to say but it does. It helps put things in perspective I guess.

Becoming a book

Here's an interesting question I found on The Awe-manac blog: If you were a book, what kind of book would you be?

My first thought was that I'd be a mystery. I love mysteries and read a lot of them but I don't think I'd be a very good mystery. In the end you have to give up the clues and let the reader in on the secret and I hate giving away secrets!

I considered being an encyclopedia. Not that I know a lot but I like sharing information. Then I gave that one up because it seemed kind of boring and I figured I'd have to work hard to keep updating the information.

I could be a bead or some kind of craft book. I like that idea because people would refer to me and make cool stuff and point out pictures in me. I'd get a lot of use, which would be nice, but I'm afraid I'd have needles, beads, maybe glue or something dropped on my pages. I didn't care for that thought.

Finally, it dawned on me! I'd be a fantasy book like Lord of the Rings. Something long, adventurous, meandering at times but always having new places to explore, learning new things and meeting strange creatures. Yep, that's the one I'm going with.

So. . . what kind of book would you be?

Autumn

Autumnal Equinox Sep 22 2010 11:09 PM EDT

Fall Song

Another year gone, leaving everywhere
its rich spiced residues: vines, leaves,
the uneaten fruits crumbling damply
in the shadows, unmattering back
from the particular island
of this summer, this NOW, that now is nowhere
except underfoot, moldering
in that black subterranean castle
of unobservable mysteries - - -roots and sealed seeds
and the wanderings of water. This
I try to remember when time's measure
painfully chafes, for instance when autumn
flares out at the last, boisterous and like us longing
to stay - - - how everything lives, shifting
from one bright vision to another, forever
in these momentary pastures.

Mary Oliver

What the hell

For the past few months I've been feeling overwhelmed, emotional, tense, stressed, sick, upset, discomposed, disturbed - ok, you're probably getting the idea. Anyway all this emotion combined with some physical changes have led me to the conclusion that, finally! I'm approaching menopause. A few years ago if I'd thought that I would have been horror struck. Now all I can think is "hurry up!" I hesitated about posting this but figured with all the personal stuff I've posted I might as well go ahead. Besides I'm hoping writing about it and sharing will help!

I've always had difficulties with depression and mood swings but lately it's like having PMS quadrupled every day of the month. I stood in the grocery store and cried because I couldn't find what I was looking for. If anyone blinks at me wrong I cry. I could go on forever about the crying because that's what I seem to do a lot of. Between the days of tears are days where I'd really, seriously like to kill someone. Mostly no one in particular although I do have a list in case I get serious about it! Both normal PMS symptoms but as I said, quadrupled and every damn day.

All this would be fine because I could hope for an end. Then I read on various menopause info sites that perimenopause can last six years or more. This is not good news. I am 100% sure that I can't deal with this six months let alone six years. Hopefully the six years only applies if you're much younger than me when it starts? Please. I hope.

I'm a voracious reader and have been looking for some good books on menopause but haven't found anything that appeals to me. If anyone has any good suggestions I'd love to hear them. I generally deal with things by reading about them. I'm not sure reading will stop the crying but maybe there's hope. . . .

So that's my story and I actually feel a little better now. I was telling my daughter this weekend and I realized when I was talking to her that I felt better. When I considered writing this post my first thought was that it was too personal, silly to talk about and besides everyone would know I was old. Then I realized they all knew I was old anyway so what was I hiding! It certainly isn't silly and how can something that happens to all women be too personal to talk about?

I read that the average age for menopause is 51. I'm 53 so I guess that makes me a late starter. Not abnormal though (don't ask, it's a long, stupid story)! Hopefully the late start will make for a fast finish. If not, once the crying stops, I may be pulling out the hit list.

Silent Sunday

A few pictures

Well I missed posting yesterday. I was annoyed with myself for missing another day but decided it wasn't worth the energy. Besides I had a very stressful day so we'll ignore yesterday and focus on today! I took a picture walk this morning and I found the morning glories I saw the other day! Some days when I walk I take my phone so I can take pictures. Sometimes I just take my shuffle and listen to music and lots of times I don't take anything except myself! I like taking pictures and listening to music but I get caught up in it and don't relax as much as I want to. Just walking and thinking (or not thinking) is nice.

This looked like fall to me.

I don't know what these flowers are but they're pretty!

The morning glories!

A little corner curb garden.

This is a tree that someone ran into yesterday. When I went home for lunch yesterday there was a smashed up car on the tree, three police cars and a guy sitting on the sidewalk. No ambulance around. I don't know if he'd been drinking or just lost control of the car. I walked past it this morning because I wanted to see how the tree had fared in the encounter. It doesn't look as bad as I'd feared. I guess trees recover - I'll ask my gardener when she arrives.

As you may or may not know, my gardener is my daughter. She and her boyfriend are on their way up to visit this weekend. We are going to an African Violet show and to walk around the McKinley Park Rose Garden so I'll share some more pictures later!

National Library Card Sign-up Month!

Did you know that September is National Library Card Sign-up Month? I'm sure no one reading this blog has to sign-up for one because you already have one. Right? Please don't disillusion me. I have three library cards. One is pictured. It's for Sacramento public libraries. I can't really discuss the other two. Anyway. . . if you've been reading this blog for more than a day you'll realize that I love libraries! It's pretty amazing when you think about it. They give you a free card and you can go in and check out most any book you want. If, by some unfortunate oversight, you don't have a card, get down to your local library TODAY and get one!

Catching Up

Well I missed yesterday so I've messed up my everyday posting but I'm not going to give up. I'll still try and do everyday for the rest of the month. It's a little after 7:00 am and I've already walked and done my morning pages. This is quite impressive actually because I am definitely not a morning person. No matter how long I've slept I hate getting out of bed. A combination of playful cats and a previous night full of debauchery and decadence propelled me out of bed early this morning. Ok, actually it was just a little too much rum & coke. I just thought debauchery & decadence sounded mysterious and interesting!

I had a nice walk this morning and saw some lovely morning glories all over a fence. Unfortunately I didn't have my phone so no picture to share. Instead I thought I'd share a poem!

The Waking

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.

We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.

Light takes the Tree; but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me, so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.

This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.

Theodore Roethke

Musical Monday

Silent Sunday

My beaded heart!

Here's the heart I made today in my class! It was fun to make and I learned a little bit about wire wrapping. It's harder than it looks! I kept ending up with kinks in my wire but by the end of the class I was getting better at keeping them out. I decided on pink since it's my favorite color. It's actually much smaller than the picture - about 2" high & less than 2" across. I don't know that I'm going to make it into a pendant. I think I'll probably end up just leaving it like this. Anyway I thought it came out pretty good for a first effort!

Homesick

How long do you have to live someplace before it's home and you aren't homesick anymore? I'll have been here a year in October and I thought by now I wouldn't feel homesick. I do though. A big part of me still wants to go home. But like the song says, it feels like "it ain't mine no more." Yet Sacramento doesn't feel like "mine" either. I guess it takes time to make your own home. Until I moved here I'd never lived alone and I keep thinking that everyone I love is someplace else so why am I here? Yet, despite everything, it still feels like I'm in the right place. I don't know - I guess it just takes time. I realized in writing this that if neither place feels like home to me that's why I feel so adrift and homeless! Ah well.



LA's fine, sunshine most of the time
The feeling is laid back
Palm trees grow and the rents are low
But you know I keep thinking about
Making my way back

Well, I'm New York City born and raised
But nowadays, I'm lost between two shores
LA's fine, but it ain't home
New York's home but it ain't mine no more

I am, I said
To no one there
And no one heard at all
Not even the chair
I am, I cried
I am, said I
And I am lost, and I can't even say why
Leavin' me lonely still

Did you ever read about a frog who dreamed of being a king
And then became one
Well, except for the names and a few other changes
If you talk about me, the story's the same one

But I got an emptiness deep inside
And I've tried but it won't let me go
And I'm not a man who likes to swear
But I've never cared for the sound of being alone

Oops

I almost forgot to post today! My mind was kind of blank so I checked the NaBloPoMo site for today's writing prompt. This was it: What's the best thing that could happen to you right now, and if it did, what's the first song you'd turn up loud and start dancing to? It wasn't a helpful prompt because I couldn't think of something that would be the best thing to happen to me. The only song that came to mind was What's It Gonna Be by Neil Diamond.

So much for the prompt.

Anyway, I'm very tired tonight so I'll share a picture and a thought. The theme for September is Art, how it inspires you and how you bring it into your life. This is the definition of Art I found on Wikipedia: Art is the product or process of deliberately arranging symbolic elements in a way that influences and affects the senses, emotions, and/or intellect. It encompasses a diverse range of human activities, creations, and modes of expression, including music, literature, film, photography, sculpture and paintings.

Based on that I decided that my flowers could qualify as Art. Well at least art with a small a. I love flowers and I buy them fairly often so that most of the time I have flowers in my home. I don't know that they are a symbolic element but I deliberately put them in a vase and they affect my senses and emotions. I'm always much happier when I have flowers. It makes me smile to look at them. I stopped at the grocery store after work and bought these so I'll share them in the hope that they make other people smile also!

Bead class!

I signed up today for a class to make this heart pendant! It uses wire which I've never worked with but have wanted to. I keep seeing some really pretty stuff made with wire and beads. The class is scheduled for this Saturday so I don't have long to wait. This will be the first bead class I've taken! U Bead It, the store where I'm taking the class, has 3-4 classes over the next couple of months that I'd like to take. They aren't expensive, this was only $35 + supplies and I didn't think that was bad. So Saturday night I'll post a picture of my heart pendant!

Hearts

I found hearts on my walk yesterday! I like heart shapes and I decided these must be a sign. I just don't know what they are a sign of! The first one I found was on the sidewalk and looks like it was meant for a particular person. The second was hanging in a tree. I know I've walked past this house before and didn't see the heart so I think they must have put it up recently. I really liked the tree one. It looked metal but I wasn't sure. And last, when I was taking pictures of the morning glories I realized they have heart-shaped leaves! I've decided to look for more hearts on my walks!

Musical Monday

I was trying to find a Johnny Cash song that I hadn't posted before. I searched my blog and this didn't come up so I think I'm safe! Not that there aren't a lot to choose from, it's just that I have certain favorite songs & tend to post those!

People can be odd about money. I've known people who had a lot and it mattered a lot to them. I've known people who had a lot and it didn't matter at all to them. And I've known people with very little who didn't care because they were doing what they wanted.  I think that's what matters - living your life the way you want, the way you know you have to and being happy about it. If you have money, great and if you don't, well you get by the best you can. Being true to yourself is what matters. Johnny Cash didn't start out rich and while he may have ended up that way (I actually don't know how "well off" he was), it took a long time and a lot of sacrifice. But he was doing what mattered to him, what he had to do and that's important, not the money.

Silent Sunday

I was walking one day and saw the leaf shape on the sidewalk. I couldn't get a great picture because of the shadows but I thought it looked kind of nice.

A few thoughts for a lazy Saturday morning

Jennifer Louden writes some great women's comfort books about doing retreats and other ways of taking care of yourself. I read a couple of her books years ago and recently came across The Women's Retreat Book again. I visited her website and signed up for an email series about self-trust inspiration. Yesterday's email was about making promises to yourself, being clear about them and noticing when you've followed through. I make promises to myself all the time. Sometimes I follow through and sometimes I don't but I realized I never give myself credit when I do.

One of the promises I've made recently is to not do things or be around people who make me feel bad and erode my commitment to what I want. It ain't easy though. I have the following excerpt from Transcendental Etude by Adrienne Rich posted in a couple of places in my apartment. It reminds me of what I want and that it isn't going to be easy.

But there come times –perhaps this is one of them—
when we have to take ourselves more seriously or die;
when we have to pull back from the incantations,
rhythms we’ve moved to thoughtlessly,
and disenthrall ourselves, bestow
ourselves to silence, or a severer listening, cleansed
of oratory, formulas, choruses, laments, static
crowding the wires. We cut the wires,
find ourselves in free-fall, as if
our true home were the undimensional
solitudes, the rift
in the Great Nebula.
No one who survives to speak
new language, has avoided this:
the cutting-away of an old force that held her
rooted to an old ground
the pitch of utter loneliness
where she herself and all creation
seem equally dispersed, weightless, her being a cry
to which no echo comes or can ever come.

I was looking for the complete text of Transcendental Etude to link to but didn't find it. I did find this video which I really liked and wanted to share though!

Another painting

I was going to do a longer post but I'm tired so for now I'll just share another picture that I really like. This picture is at the Crocker Art Museum, which is one of my favorite places. It's called So Fleet the Works and was painted by Edwin Deakin in 1895. I think it has something of a romanticized sad, lonely feeling to it. When I visit the museum I stand and look at it for a long time and I feel sometimes like I'm waiting for someone to walk down the steps. Probably a beautiful woman in a long, white dress mourning a lost lover. Then again, I may be reading too much into it!

Every day in September!

I signed up for September on the NaBloPoMo site. This means I'm going to post every day in September. I've only been posting sporadically lately and I want to get back in the habit so I thought this would give me a push.

The theme for September is Art - posting about art that inspires you and how you bring art into your life. I thought I'd share a picture that I came across recently and really liked. It's called Nocturne: Blue and Silver - Chelsea by James Whistler. It's very peaceful feeling and I really like the soft colors in it. When I find pictures I like online I usually save them to my picture file so I can use them as wallpaper or in screensavers. It's a free, easy way to enjoy art that I could never afford!

Cat Brain

I found this on the Way of Cats blog. It's a pretty good diagram of a cat's brain I think although my cats are structured somewhat differently. The short circuit section is huge in Mellifera. One second she's sweet and purring, the next she's biting me. Pippin's largest section is the can opener sonar with a twist - if there's any chicken or turkey involved in a meal he moves so fast you can't see him! They both have the adoration of one spot on the bed - it's either where the other cat is or where I am. And they both have an overwhelming vacuum cleaner fear. What they don't seem to have is a hatred of dogs. My neighbor has a little dog and when he takes it out for a walk they stand at the screen door and stare at it. They have no idea what a dog is!

Anyway I thought this was cute. If you have cats you can decide which parts of its brain are most active!