What memories of childhood I have are wrapped up in you. You were there to comfort and care for me. You taught me to love and how to be a mother. I can remember hiding in the car instead of going to school so I didn't have to leave you. If something good happened I would rush to tell you. If something bad happened I would rush to your embrace.
When I was a teenager I wanted to move out as soon as I could and be independent. I knew that I had grown up and no longer needed my Mommy. I realize now that nothing really changed by my moving out. I would now rush to the phone to share my joys and sorrows. I still turned to you in the good or the bad. If I had a problem you were the one that I turned to for help or counsel. Slowly over many years (decades??) I was able to truly become a more separate me, but you were still always there and I knew I could always go to you. Even when I made stupid or unwise decisions you always supported and loved me.
Now I'm a mother and my kids come to me for all of those things that I used to turn to you for. The mother I am is because of who you were and how you raised me. I know that I am not a perfect mother, but pray that my children will one day pardon any mistakes I make out of love or human fallibility, as I have for you long ago. I would not change one moment of my childhood if it meant not having you. You are the only mother I would ever want.
I used to love Mother's Day. I loved looking for a gift that you would like, something to make you feel special, something to make you smile. I can't do that anymore, but I still can't stop myself from looking at the Mother's day cards finding that special card that I would buy for you.
I can't call you and share all my joys and sorrows. I can't ask you if you felt the same as a mother as I feel now. I can't call to express all the love, joy, frustration, pride, wonder........... that I feel for my kids. I can't share you with them (except in stories).
None of this can change, but this year I decided to give you this as a present. Maybe you can't read this or maybe you can, but this is for you. You are a part of me that I will never lose and so also a part of my children and their children.
Happy Mother's Day Mommy, I love you!!
Happy Mother's Day to all the rest of the mothers out there.
I hope this wasn't to disjointed.
2 comments:
That was really nice! I'm crying now but I'm glad you wrote it. I know that Mom would be proud of the mother that you are & I wish that she were here to see the kids. Up until probably 2 years ago, I looked at cards too. I'd always feel bad that I couldn't buy one for Mom. I still look at Jill and think, I wish Mom were here to see her. It gets easier but in some ways it never gets easier. This was such a great post I'm going to have to give you credit for 4 or 5! Happy Mother's Day - I was going to call but had a long day - - -
Thank you for this.
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