On Being Afraid

I get scared a lot. If you know me I'm sure you're shocked because I seem like such a together, calm, confident person. (I'm hearing a LOT of laughter.) Anyway. . . I have many ways of coping, some of which involve simply falling apart or calling someone and crying hysterically for awhile. Sometimes when I'm feeling particularly grown-up I try and rationally think about why I'm afraid and deal with it like an adult. That probably happens once every 2-3 years. What I do a lot of times though is use quotes, books or music to remind myself that everyone gets scared and just getting in and doing things will help me get over it. So in case you're sitting around bored tonight I'll share a few of my favorites!

I have a lot of favorite quotes but the one I like best is this: Fear not for the future. Weep not for the past. ~Percy Bysshe Shelley. Probably my second favorite is: You must do the thing you think you cannot do. ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Here's Neil Diamond singing What's It Gonna Be. I met someone for lunch today (this was the 2nd date!) and I was listening to this as I drove over there. I've listened to it before all the other "coffee dates" I've had (most of which were with total jerks). It helps me remember that I have to take some chances and get out and meet people no matter how scary it is.




Johnny Cash singing I Won't Back Down. Sometimes, ok about 20 times a day, I want to run back to a relationship that felt safe even though it wasn't good for me. This song always helps me remember that I want to stay where I am and move forward.




This is a scene from The Return of the King. The armies of middle earth were facing Sauron believing there was no hope. This is Aragorn's speech to them. There may be a day I give up, pull the covers over my head and let the dragon win. But it is not this day. I put this on my iphone so I can listen to it easily! Ok, the rest of the truth is I just like Viggo Mortensen!




Last one but far from least. The Stairsteps singing Ooh Child. After my mother died I kept hearing this song a lot for some reason and it felt like she was telling me to just hold on and things would get easier. Kind of silly I guess but it always made me feel better. I cry most every time I hear this song but it also helps me feel better. I wasn't going to share this one but I figured I've already shared so much stuff on my blogs that I might as well!

On Resolutions

I love making New Years resolutions. I love making lists and it makes me feel organized, competent, complacent, superior and many other disgusting things. Of course the feeling only lasts about 5 minutes which is how long I generally keep the resolutions. Last year instead of making any resolutions I went with an idea I read about on a blog about choosing a word for the year. The word I chose last year was simplify and while I didn't blog about it (or admittedly think about it all the time) I did manage both willingly and unwillingly to simplify my life in quite a few areas. I've been thinking about choosing a word for 2010 and reading some blog posts about different words people have chosen. I even had a fairly long list of words written down but nothing felt right to me.

I've made a lot of changes in my life during 2009, especially in the last two months. I've been thinking a lot about other ways I'd like to change although I think change may not be the word I want. I think grow is a better word. Most everything I think about is something I've known that I wanted to do for a long time. It's often fear that has stopped me, sometimes laziness and sometimes just a stubborn determination to see how stupidly harmful to myself I can be.

So. . . as I was thinking all these fascinating thoughts it made me think about one of my favorite quotes. Instead of resolutions or a word for 2010 I've decided that I'm going to work on doing the things I want/need to do and NOT doing the things that I know are harmful. It sounds kind of easy on the surface but given my past history I guarantee you it isn't! So here you have it, my quote for 2010:

We have left undone those things which we ought to have done, and we have done those things which we ought not to have done.
~Book of Common Prayer

I looked up ought (lest you wonder, I did know what it meant - I like to look up words to be exact) and the definition I found was "used to express obligation." This fits very well I think - the things I want are obligations I have to myself if I want to be the best person I can.

Note: This starts January 1. That means I have 2 days to do those things which I ought not to do (of which I have a list also!).

Christmas Lights

I walked around my neighborhood last night and took some pictures of decorated houses. They sort of came out ok but not great. Since I braved the cold to do it I thought I'd go ahead and post them anyway!

Musical Monday

Silent Sunday

Merry Christmas!

Musical Monday

Silent Sunday

Musical Monday

Silent Sunday

Candy Cane Street & Library Update

I thought this was neat - all the street lights are wrapped like candy canes.



I went to my 4th library today, the Belle Cooledge branch. It was nice, I found a couple of interesting books: Lands of Promise and Despair and Where I Was From. They were handing out cookies and punch - I assume for the holidays and that they don't do this all the time. Although I guess it's a good way to get people to come back.

So that was my day: a library and candy cane street. As you can tell from the pictures it was raining here today. A lot. It's been a sort of gloomy few days. Maybe next week I'll feel like doing something interesting.

Outside my door

I took these pictures of a bush outside my door. I don't know what kind it is but I thought it looked pretty and Christmasy!

Questions to ask

I found these in a blog post, 75 questions to ask yourself, on the Lyved blog. I picked 20 to answer and now I think everyone who reads this is supposed to post on their blog and answer the questions also! Or you can just comment and answer. Or you can just ignore this post!

1. Am I doing what I really want to do? Mostly yes.
   
2. Am I honest? Yep!
   
3. Do I listen to others? Sometimes more than I should!
   
4. What do I need to change about myself? Way too many things to list!
   
5. Have I hurt others? Unfortunately yes.
   
6. Do I have fun? Usually.
   
7. Have I seen enough of the world? No!
   
8. Do I judge others? Sometimes. I try very hard not to.
   
9. Do I take risks? Little ones, occasionally some pretty big ones.
   
10. What is my biggest fear? Have to think about this.
    
11. What am I most proud of? Getting my BA degree.
    
12. Do I care what others think about me? Absolutely. Probably more than is helpful.
    
13. Am I nice? Yes, I'm a very nice person.
    
14. Do I procrastinate? Rarely.
    
15. What is my greatest regret? Not sure. I need to think about that one.
    
16. Have I settled for mediocrity? Not often.
    
17. Do I read enough? Well I've been told I read too much but I don't believe it.
    
18. Do I listen to my heart? Only at the wrong times.
    
19. Do I let other people’s negativity affect me? No.
    
20. Do I forgive myself? Usually.
    

Poetry Day

I'm still not feeling great so no adventures but here's a poem for today!

Living in Sin

She had thought the studio would keep itself;
no dust upon the furniture of love.
Half heresy, to wish the taps less vocal,
the panes relieved of grime. A plate of pears,
a piano with a Persian shawl, a cat
stalking the picturesque amusing mouse
had risen at his urging.
Not that at five each separate stair would writhe
under the milkman's tramp; that morning light
so coldly would delineate the scraps
of last night's cheese and three sepulchral bottles;
that on the kitchen shelf among the saucers
a pair of beetle-eyes would fix her own--
envoy from some village in the moldings...
Meanwhile, he, with a yawn,
sounded a dozen notes upon the keyboard,
declared it out of tune, shrugged at the mirror,
rubbed at his beard, went out for cigarettes;
while she, jeered by the minor demons,
pulled back the sheets and made the bed and found
a towel to dust the table-top,
and let the coffee-pot boil over on the stove.
By evening she was back in love again,
though not so wholly but throughout the night
she woke sometimes to feel the daylight coming
like a relentless milkman up the stairs.

Adrienne Rich

Musical Monday

Silent Sunday

Scratching posts & catnip

My cats have 2 small scratching posts and a cat tree. When I moved I was going to bring the cat tree but for various reasons it hasn't ended up here yet. It, along with their small posts, are in a storage shed in the Bay Area right now. Don't worry that they have been deprived of an appropriate place to scratch though, they've made good use of my wicker baskets and couch. I decided yesterday that I needed to get something for them in order to salvage baskets & couch. Figuring it was cheaper to buy something small here rather than drive 200 miles round-trip, I bought a small cardboard scratching box today at PetSmart. It came with a small bag of catnip which I sprinkled on the scratcher. As you can see from the pictures, Pippin loved it! I sprinkled a little catnip on the blanket also which is why he's ecstatically rolling around there. So far Mellifera has ignored it but I think eventually she'll be out here - she loves catnip also. As you can see from the last picture, he hasn't lost interest in the basket. Oh well, I didn't really think it would work.

A few leaves

I'm feeling better but still kind of tired so I haven't been doing much. I did take a couple of pictures of huge piles of leaves in front of my apartment! I don't know why the leaves fascinate me so much!

Wordle from Emily Dickinson Poem

Update

Well I haven't lost interest in exploring Sacramento or picture-taking, I've just been sitting at home miserable for the last few days with a cold. Hopefully I'll feel well enough tomorrow to go out for a short walk but the last couple of days the only pictures would be of me sneezing and coughing. Not really worth looking at!

NaNoWriMo update: I didn't meet the goal which was to write a 175-page novel by midnight, November 30. But I did do a lot more writing than I would have if I hadn't joined so overall I'm happy that I did it. I'm going to keep working on what I started and maybe someday share part of it here!

Musical Monday

Silent Sunday

I found the Little Red Hen!

Everyone reading this may not be aware of it, but I'm the Little Red Hen. You all know the story I'm sure and if not you can read my version here! Today I went out to do laundry and on my way I saw a giant Little Red Hen on the balcony of a house. This is incredibly cool I thought! I took pictures but I feel like I should go up and introduce myself.

I went to a different laundromat today. It's one I saw on my walk yesterday and I thought it might be nice. It was ok, cheaper than the others I've been to but not many chairs. I took a picture of the sign because I thought it was funny - the attendant was actually kind of rude when I asked her a question! I was walking around outside waiting for my laundry and saw the firehouse building. It isn't a firehouse, I forget what it is, but the building was pretty neat I thought.

The last picture is more leaves! It's been very windy here today and the leaves are blowing all over. It's pretty nice to watch so I took a couple of pictures.

Update: This is pretty neat! After I posted I thought I'd look online and see if I could find the firehouse and I did! I found a very cool site called Sacramento Old City Association and it has info on my firehouse. Fire Station Number 3 is one of two nineteenth century firehouses remaining in Sacramento. It was the oldest firehouse in use in the city when it was closed in 1982. Constructed in 1893 Fire Station Number 3 served the city west of Alhambra Boulevard for nearly a hundred years.

My Day

I had a very nice, although quite tiring, day! It started by carrying a desk into my apartment. A few days ago I was driving home and passed an antique shop. They had a small desk sitting outside that looked nice and I stopped and looked at it. I've been wanting a desk to put in my bedroom where I can sit and write & not be distracted by the computer. This was exactly what I had in mind, unfortunately the price tag was more than I could pay. I was telling a friend about it and a couple of days later he surprised me by sending a check so I could buy the desk! I went over first thing this morning & fortunately it was still there. It has great little cubbyholes inside and I love the color!

After I lugged my desk in and got it settled, I headed out for a walk to the bead store. The Bead Fetish is a very cool bead store on L Street. I found some heart beads and a couple of rose quartz bears. I was fairly tired after that since I had walked 1.2 miles(!) to get there so I decided to get something to eat and rest. I saw this place called the Buckhorn Grill and while I was a little dubious, their prices didn't seem bad and it was close. It was actually the most delicious meal I've had in quite awhile. I had a chicken sandwich w/a salad and both were very good. I was very proud of myself for going in alone and eating. I hate going into restaurants alone to eat!

My meal revived me and I realized I was close to the street where they had made an ice rink so I walked over there. This is incredibly cool I think. They made an ice rink on the street! It was fun to watch the kids skating. Since I was there I took the opportunity to go into Newsbeat a magazine/newspaper store. Despite some serious temptation I managed not to buy anything! A magazine store for me is like a bar to an alcoholic. I love magazines and have stacks of them still (just ask the people who helped me move!) despite having eliminated quite a few prior to my move. It is a really neat store though and I imagine at some point I'm going to return and give into temptation!

On my way home I passed Time Tested Books and of course had to go in and look around. This is a lovely bookstore with a nice selection of books on just about anything you can think of. They have a big section of old records so if you want records (assuming you know what those are) it's a good place to go.

I figure I walked about 3 miles today and my feet sure felt it by the time I got home!

Happy Thanksgiving

'Tis a gift to be simple, 'tis a gift to be free,
'Tis a gift to come down where we ought to be,
And when we find ourselves in the place just right,
'Twill be in the valley of love and delight.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Sacramento Marina

I walked today at the Sacramento Marina. Of all the places I've been this is my least favorite. It's nice there - you can see the river and there are lots of trees and grass but I didn't find a good place to walk (and maybe I just didn't know where to look) and it felt very deserted and a little intimidating. I went in the middle of the day so maybe it's different on the weekend. I'll probably go back at some point and see but for now it's not on my soon to be revisited list! I did get a few nice pictures and some sunshine though!

McKinley Park

Today I walked at McKinley Park. This is a great park with a rose garden and pond. It's also where a library branch is that I went to earlier. The park is in a lovely neighborhood - I've decided it's where I want to live when I win the lottery! I even found a house for sale there (picture below) so I'm very optimistic! The rose garden was really pretty and a lot of the roses were memorials for people which was nice I thought. It has a lot of benches to sit and admire the view, which I did after my walk. I want to go someplace different everyday for awhile but I'm tempted to go back there tomorrow!

I also found two leaves that I didn't have. I've been picking up leaves every place I go and putting them in a glass heart dish on my counter. Mostly I seem to be getting the same ones but these are different and I was very excited to find them. I don't know what kind they are but I thought they were pretty.

Musical Monday

American River

Yesterday's walk was more of a stroll since it was part of a tour so I decided today that I'd just walk. I went to the American River Parkway and started walking. Fortunately or unfortunately I had my iphone with me and did take some pictures. It's really beautiful there! I got some great pictures of the river and trees and had a nice relaxing walk. I thought there would be a lot of people around but I only saw maybe 8 people altogether. It was very peaceful and quiet - it's hard to believe you are literally in the middle of a busy city.


This tree leans - a bunch of the trees there were leaning way over - I thought that was odd. . .

A view of the river.


This is the path I walked on down to the river - I was a little worried because it was narrow and meandered a bit - I didn't want to get lost!

This was another path I took down to the river. I was a little overwhelmed with choices!


Another view of the river.


After my walk I parked and sat and read for awhile. Then I noticed that I had a visitor. I don't know if this is a crow or raven but he worked very hard to get the garbage out of the can.


Apparently it didn't meet his standards. After a cursory pecking, he walked off, slightly disgruntled I thought.


This tree is almost falling into the water.


This is the walking/biking path. It's a nice place to walk and then you can take little side-trips down to the river edge!


I liked the ways the trees reflected in the water in this picture!