I like to listen to music while I'm driving. I have a CD player but a few years ago a CD got stuck in it and I've never been able to get it out. It's a Johnny Cash CD and for quite a while it would play so it was ok. About a year ago it quit playing and now it's just stuck. It doesn't bother me much - I just listen to the radio. Usually I listen to the Eagle 96.9, Sacramento's classic rock station! But when I'm driving to the Bay Area I lose the signal after awhile and only get static. I haven't found a good Bay Area station to listen to so this means I'm on my own for music.
If you've heard me sing, you understand why I only do it under a certain circumstances: 1) alone in the car, 2) with my cats and 3) to annoy someone. I can only remember an approximate tune and words for a some songs so my repertoire is limited.
I started where I usually start with "I'd Rather Be Blue Over You" and then progressed to "When the Saints Come Marching In." A childhood spent in church has provided me with a fair number of hymns I can sing, so I'll go through those and then onto a few Christmas songs. There are some Frank Sinatra songs I can sing: "I've Got a Crush on You" and "I've Got You Under My Skin." The song I'm best at, in my opinion, is called "Rise and Shine." It's a kids song that my daughter learned when she was young and I actually think I sound halfway normal when I sing it! It's kind of catchy and is fun to sing.
Driving is kind of like meditation I've decided. It's easy to slip into a space where you aren't really thinking but you are. I guess that makes sense. Anyway that's what I do. I've come up with some amazing ideas while driving!
Saturday I was thinking about home. When I go to the Bay Area it's going home and despite eight years in Sacramento, part of me still belongs there. Especially in Castro Valley. I lived there at different times throughout my life - the last time before moving to Sacramento was for 27 years. It's still home to me. I stopped in Castro Valley to get gas and drove past my old place. It looked the same but a lot of other places have changed.
Anyway I spent the trip back thinking about home and what it means. My mother died in 1999 and part of me has not had a home since. To me, home is about belonging and feeling safe and loving people and being loved. Without my mother, some parts of me will never have a home.
Right now it's just me and my cats but that's home. When I open the door and they are sitting looking up at me I feel happy even if it's been a bad day. When my daughter and her boyfriend visit it feels like home. They are, in most ways, my closest family. I can relax and be comfortable and enjoy having people around that don't expect anything from me. When I visit my Dad it's home in a different way. He'll be 83 this month but he still makes me feel safe.
When I drove past my old apartment I felt like I could turn into the driveway and I'd be home. I lived there for 25 years. I have memories there I wouldn't give up for anything. And some I'd like to give up but can't. I spent the drive back to Sacramento thinking about home and being homesick and wondering where I belonged. When I turned into my driveway, I knew where I belonged: I was home and my cats were waiting inside and it's good.
Here's some pictures of my drive back through the Altamont Pass. There was an accident and traffic was stopped. It took about 30 minutes to go 2-3 miles. I like going through the Altamont Pass because I like looking at the wind turbines. I had plenty of time to look on Saturday!
2 comments:
Lots of people don't like driving alone. I might be one of them, since driving makes me drowsy. terry never lets me go anywhere by myself anyway. He doesn't like to be alone so he thinks I don't. I know that place of which you speak where your mind wanders as you drive and you drift into thoughtless thought.
Home..I have not been without a home yet. Home is where ever Terry is and I'm not sure what I would do if he were not here. 46 years of living with the same person, most of that time in the same house definitely grounds you.
I don't miss the place of my childhood. I can't think a good memory from that home. There MUST be some, but totally overshadowed by cruel and hateful days.
I always liked the communication we had when you blogged in the past. Turning the corner to the 6th decade is a journey in itself. It will be interesting to know if it changes your thoughts on life situations.
xx, Carol
I do get drowsy sometimes but it isn't too bad. Driving alone seems more alone than being at home alone. Maybe because it's contained. While I prefer being alone, I have to admit that the trip seems faster when someone is with me.
Wow - 46 years. My parents were married 43 years when my Mom died. She used to say that she'd spent more time with my Dad then she had by herself. That applies to you too! You and Terry are home to each other. I think that's the way a good marriage is supposed to be. I wanted to fall in love and spend at least 50 years married. Ah well.
I'm lucky I guess. While I don't think my childhood was perfect, I think it was more good than bad. Sadly, the stuff that happens in childhood stays with us forever.
Me too! I'm hoping that if it changes me it for the better. I'd like to be more accepting of life and other people. Maybe by the time I get to 80?
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