Well I finally did my New Year's Eve letting go ritual. A week late but that's ok. It isn't easy to let go of emotions. I knew that from the beginning but what I didn't realize was how angry I am about some things still. I thought that I could separate out the good memories from the bad and just let go of the bad. It doesn't seem to be that simple though. In some cases it is, especially stuff from the past year. I decided not to go with burning anything so the negative stuff from the past year I just let kind of float away. Most of it doesn't have especially strong emotions tied to it - mainly it was mistakes in judgment and I mostly had to forgive myself and not be so critical. That was the easy part.
Some of it was feeling deserted by a friend who died and I decided to let go of those feelings and only focus on the good memories of which there are plenty. Again, pretty easy.
Far more difficult is reconciling my belief about who I am with some of my actions. Judgment mistakes are easy enough to forgive - we all make them. But what if you've done something that you knew was wrong from the beginning but did anyway? I'm not trying to be mysterious - it's just not something I can post but I'm trying to work out how to deal with it and stop being angry at myself. One of things I realized in doing this ritual was that while I thought I was angry at a lot of other people, mostly I'm angry at myself and I need to find a way to let go of that, forgive myself and move on.
So how about it? Without details, does anybody have advice? How do you accept that you did something incredibly hurtful to another person, that goes against something you strongly believe (or thought you believed) and in all honesty, knowing everything I know now, I'm afraid I'd still make the same choice. Is that confusing enough? Yet, yet, yet . . . I truly believe I'm a nice person, I'm a good person and - I don't know. I really don't know.
The other hard one is trying to let go of disliking myself for being overweight. I'm trying to find a way to say I'm ok the way I am right now but I still want to lose weight. Every once in awhile I'll manage for an hour or so and then I go back to blaming, criticizing and beating myself up about it. And to compensate for that misery what do I do? Yeah you guessed it - eat.
4 comments:
You and I are so very different. Different outlooks on life..different dreams..different foods for our souls.
Yet, we are so much alike.
I did that hurtful thing, and another that was totally different, yet just as hurtful. I deal with the weight thing too, but somehow I have resolved that one. I think because I have chalked it up to " at my age why beat myself up anymore". THAT doesn't help you at all.
But those other things. They happened in '98-99. They caused me to understand myself better. I put it behind me by looking everyday to the positive. Turning a bad situation to good by searching for a good thing to come of it. It is difficult at first, but if you make it a way of life it becomes second nature. IMHO you can't get past this without the search for positive energy.
Maybe you need to talk to someone about what you did. They might be able to give you another way to think about it. I have learned that too.
Don't be so hard on yourself, my friend. Whatever you did served a need at the time. Funny how our minds work.
I can't give advise to you on how to deal with your secrets.
Thanks Carol. I suppose I need to work more on looking for the positive. It seems like you've made it a way of life for yourself and I'm sure it hasn't been easy. I do it sporadically but then fall back into unhelpful ways of thinking. I'd certainly say I've learned a lot about myself and maybe that's the whole point - learning and growing from it. And you're correct that it did serve a need. I suppose it isn't advice I'm looking for but absolution and unfortunately I'm the one who has to provide that. Maybe accepting that I'm only human and make mistakes is a good place to start. Ah well. I hope you're having a great weekend! I have a little housecleaning to do and then I'm planning to work on beading!
I was once told that I should not get so upset about things I couldn't change. I don't know what woke me up to positive thinking. Maybe it was when I discovered the Serenity Prayer. But I can tell you that I have moments when my thoughts are not that positive. But if you always remember to tell the Universe what you WANT and NOT what you don't want, positive energy surrounds you. Don't get me wrong, life crap still happens, but its easier to deal with the complications when you look for the positive.
Be Well.
xx, Carol
I am working at being positive! I think sometimes I expect it to just happen - that if I think positive one day that everyday after that should be simple. I have to remember that it has to be "redone" every day. Ah well. I like the Serenity Prayer but my problem is I think that I can change everything. Or maybe I'm just lacking the wisdom. . .
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