On Being Afraid

I get scared a lot. If you know me I'm sure you're shocked because I seem like such a together, calm, confident person. (I'm hearing a LOT of laughter.) Anyway. . . I have many ways of coping, some of which involve simply falling apart or calling someone and crying hysterically for awhile. Sometimes when I'm feeling particularly grown-up I try and rationally think about why I'm afraid and deal with it like an adult. That probably happens once every 2-3 years. What I do a lot of times though is use quotes, books or music to remind myself that everyone gets scared and just getting in and doing things will help me get over it. So in case you're sitting around bored tonight I'll share a few of my favorites!

I have a lot of favorite quotes but the one I like best is this: Fear not for the future. Weep not for the past. ~Percy Bysshe Shelley. Probably my second favorite is: You must do the thing you think you cannot do. ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Here's Neil Diamond singing What's It Gonna Be. I met someone for lunch today (this was the 2nd date!) and I was listening to this as I drove over there. I've listened to it before all the other "coffee dates" I've had (most of which were with total jerks). It helps me remember that I have to take some chances and get out and meet people no matter how scary it is.




Johnny Cash singing I Won't Back Down. Sometimes, ok about 20 times a day, I want to run back to a relationship that felt safe even though it wasn't good for me. This song always helps me remember that I want to stay where I am and move forward.




This is a scene from The Return of the King. The armies of middle earth were facing Sauron believing there was no hope. This is Aragorn's speech to them. There may be a day I give up, pull the covers over my head and let the dragon win. But it is not this day. I put this on my iphone so I can listen to it easily! Ok, the rest of the truth is I just like Viggo Mortensen!




Last one but far from least. The Stairsteps singing Ooh Child. After my mother died I kept hearing this song a lot for some reason and it felt like she was telling me to just hold on and things would get easier. Kind of silly I guess but it always made me feel better. I cry most every time I hear this song but it also helps me feel better. I wasn't going to share this one but I figured I've already shared so much stuff on my blogs that I might as well!

On Resolutions

I love making New Years resolutions. I love making lists and it makes me feel organized, competent, complacent, superior and many other disgusting things. Of course the feeling only lasts about 5 minutes which is how long I generally keep the resolutions. Last year instead of making any resolutions I went with an idea I read about on a blog about choosing a word for the year. The word I chose last year was simplify and while I didn't blog about it (or admittedly think about it all the time) I did manage both willingly and unwillingly to simplify my life in quite a few areas. I've been thinking about choosing a word for 2010 and reading some blog posts about different words people have chosen. I even had a fairly long list of words written down but nothing felt right to me.

I've made a lot of changes in my life during 2009, especially in the last two months. I've been thinking a lot about other ways I'd like to change although I think change may not be the word I want. I think grow is a better word. Most everything I think about is something I've known that I wanted to do for a long time. It's often fear that has stopped me, sometimes laziness and sometimes just a stubborn determination to see how stupidly harmful to myself I can be.

So. . . as I was thinking all these fascinating thoughts it made me think about one of my favorite quotes. Instead of resolutions or a word for 2010 I've decided that I'm going to work on doing the things I want/need to do and NOT doing the things that I know are harmful. It sounds kind of easy on the surface but given my past history I guarantee you it isn't! So here you have it, my quote for 2010:

We have left undone those things which we ought to have done, and we have done those things which we ought not to have done.
~Book of Common Prayer

I looked up ought (lest you wonder, I did know what it meant - I like to look up words to be exact) and the definition I found was "used to express obligation." This fits very well I think - the things I want are obligations I have to myself if I want to be the best person I can.

Note: This starts January 1. That means I have 2 days to do those things which I ought not to do (of which I have a list also!).

Christmas Lights

I walked around my neighborhood last night and took some pictures of decorated houses. They sort of came out ok but not great. Since I braved the cold to do it I thought I'd go ahead and post them anyway!

Musical Monday

Silent Sunday

Merry Christmas!

Musical Monday

Silent Sunday

Musical Monday

Silent Sunday

Candy Cane Street & Library Update

I thought this was neat - all the street lights are wrapped like candy canes.



I went to my 4th library today, the Belle Cooledge branch. It was nice, I found a couple of interesting books: Lands of Promise and Despair and Where I Was From. They were handing out cookies and punch - I assume for the holidays and that they don't do this all the time. Although I guess it's a good way to get people to come back.

So that was my day: a library and candy cane street. As you can tell from the pictures it was raining here today. A lot. It's been a sort of gloomy few days. Maybe next week I'll feel like doing something interesting.

Outside my door

I took these pictures of a bush outside my door. I don't know what kind it is but I thought it looked pretty and Christmasy!

Questions to ask

I found these in a blog post, 75 questions to ask yourself, on the Lyved blog. I picked 20 to answer and now I think everyone who reads this is supposed to post on their blog and answer the questions also! Or you can just comment and answer. Or you can just ignore this post!

1. Am I doing what I really want to do? Mostly yes.
   
2. Am I honest? Yep!
   
3. Do I listen to others? Sometimes more than I should!
   
4. What do I need to change about myself? Way too many things to list!
   
5. Have I hurt others? Unfortunately yes.
   
6. Do I have fun? Usually.
   
7. Have I seen enough of the world? No!
   
8. Do I judge others? Sometimes. I try very hard not to.
   
9. Do I take risks? Little ones, occasionally some pretty big ones.
   
10. What is my biggest fear? Have to think about this.
    
11. What am I most proud of? Getting my BA degree.
    
12. Do I care what others think about me? Absolutely. Probably more than is helpful.
    
13. Am I nice? Yes, I'm a very nice person.
    
14. Do I procrastinate? Rarely.
    
15. What is my greatest regret? Not sure. I need to think about that one.
    
16. Have I settled for mediocrity? Not often.
    
17. Do I read enough? Well I've been told I read too much but I don't believe it.
    
18. Do I listen to my heart? Only at the wrong times.
    
19. Do I let other people’s negativity affect me? No.
    
20. Do I forgive myself? Usually.
    

Poetry Day

I'm still not feeling great so no adventures but here's a poem for today!

Living in Sin

She had thought the studio would keep itself;
no dust upon the furniture of love.
Half heresy, to wish the taps less vocal,
the panes relieved of grime. A plate of pears,
a piano with a Persian shawl, a cat
stalking the picturesque amusing mouse
had risen at his urging.
Not that at five each separate stair would writhe
under the milkman's tramp; that morning light
so coldly would delineate the scraps
of last night's cheese and three sepulchral bottles;
that on the kitchen shelf among the saucers
a pair of beetle-eyes would fix her own--
envoy from some village in the moldings...
Meanwhile, he, with a yawn,
sounded a dozen notes upon the keyboard,
declared it out of tune, shrugged at the mirror,
rubbed at his beard, went out for cigarettes;
while she, jeered by the minor demons,
pulled back the sheets and made the bed and found
a towel to dust the table-top,
and let the coffee-pot boil over on the stove.
By evening she was back in love again,
though not so wholly but throughout the night
she woke sometimes to feel the daylight coming
like a relentless milkman up the stairs.

Adrienne Rich

Musical Monday

Silent Sunday

Scratching posts & catnip

My cats have 2 small scratching posts and a cat tree. When I moved I was going to bring the cat tree but for various reasons it hasn't ended up here yet. It, along with their small posts, are in a storage shed in the Bay Area right now. Don't worry that they have been deprived of an appropriate place to scratch though, they've made good use of my wicker baskets and couch. I decided yesterday that I needed to get something for them in order to salvage baskets & couch. Figuring it was cheaper to buy something small here rather than drive 200 miles round-trip, I bought a small cardboard scratching box today at PetSmart. It came with a small bag of catnip which I sprinkled on the scratcher. As you can see from the pictures, Pippin loved it! I sprinkled a little catnip on the blanket also which is why he's ecstatically rolling around there. So far Mellifera has ignored it but I think eventually she'll be out here - she loves catnip also. As you can see from the last picture, he hasn't lost interest in the basket. Oh well, I didn't really think it would work.

A few leaves

I'm feeling better but still kind of tired so I haven't been doing much. I did take a couple of pictures of huge piles of leaves in front of my apartment! I don't know why the leaves fascinate me so much!

Wordle from Emily Dickinson Poem

Update

Well I haven't lost interest in exploring Sacramento or picture-taking, I've just been sitting at home miserable for the last few days with a cold. Hopefully I'll feel well enough tomorrow to go out for a short walk but the last couple of days the only pictures would be of me sneezing and coughing. Not really worth looking at!

NaNoWriMo update: I didn't meet the goal which was to write a 175-page novel by midnight, November 30. But I did do a lot more writing than I would have if I hadn't joined so overall I'm happy that I did it. I'm going to keep working on what I started and maybe someday share part of it here!